Five Times It Wasn't What It Looked Like
by Sanwall
Summary: ...And that one time it totally was. A K/S story crammed with clichés, because they are fun! Contains soapy!Kirk, silly!Kirk and Tarzan!Kirk as well as snarky!Spock.
1. Chapter 1: The First Time

I participated in the K/S Relativity challenge on Livejournal and these were my prompts: closet, photograph, pagan ritual, bullies

I had ridiculously fun writing this, I hope you enjoy reading it :D

This is the first chapter, and it's from Spock's point of view: There will be six chapters all in all, alternately from Kirk and Spock's POV.

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><p><strong><em><span>Five Times It Wasn't What It Looked Like, And One Time It Totally Was<span>_**

**_A Tale of Captain Kirk's Unrecorded Clumsiness_**

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><p><em><span>The First Time It Wasn't What It Looked Like: <span>Or what Really Went Through Spock's Mind_

Spock's mind was like an open wound, vulnerable and hurting beyond comprehension. His whole world, his _mother_… gone. Spock was trying his best to rebuild his walls, trying to contain the emotions swirling inside of him, and he was succeeding.

That is, until this insufferable [irrational] human, this troublesome stowaway cadet that Spock thought he had gotten rid of for good, had the _nerve_ to imply that he was _emotionally compromised-_

Of course he was emotionally compromised. Spock had just lost everything. His world, his mother and his calm and logic. And the only thing he could do, the only way to deal with this was the same way he had once dealt with his tormentors in his youth, by _beating, kicking, throwing_ and _suffocating…_

Spock's hands on Kirk's throat, skin on skin contact, Spock's hands too close to the meld points, Kirk's mind overflowing with thoughts _pleasedont-nospock-dontwantto-dontendthis-icouldloveyou…_

It wasn't Sarek crying his name, Spock barely heard it. He was too caught up in the sense that was Kirk's mind, the spinning colours and stars and sensations and then the inexplicable feeling of _fondness_ that Spock couldn't comprehend. It was this affection that finally made Spock realize he was killing it, the affection _and_ Kirk, and that was what made him let go.

He was emotionally compromised, and acknowledged as much before he exited the bridge, in an attempt to run from himself and his feelings.

As Kirk took his seat in the Captain's chair, two Ensigns who had watched the whole debacle wide-eyed and open-mouthed turned to each other. One of them whispered to the other:

"Was it just me, or did that look like erotic asphyxiation to you?"


	2. Chapter 2: The Second Time

Here we are, chapter two in this exciting enterprise! (don't kill me).

From Kirk's POV

This chapter is one of my favourites ;)

Also, I adore reviews, so please feel free to tell me what you think :)

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><p><em><span>The <span>Second Time It Wasn't What It Looked Like: In which There Is A Compromising Scene in a Bathroom_

Kirk was still tingling with the excitement of being an _actual_ Starship Captain on an _actual_ starship (not just made second in command all _ex tempore_ and then making the unemotional Commander emotionally compromised and taking over the ship) when he entered his quarters.

When he first had gotten aboard, he'd hastily thrown in the bag containing various personal belongings in these quarters. Then he'd headed straight for the bridge. The excitement had dulled a bit, because after Spock's arrival (Kirk high-fived himself internally) and after giving the orders to take them out, it was mostly just sitting there, looking dashing, and maybe sign some paperwork.

Still, Kirk felt tired, so he skipped exploring the room- which wasn't all that big, despite being the Captain's- in favor of the bathroom. The sleek door opened to reveal what, to Kirk's surprise and subsequent horror, seemed to be a shared bathroom.

Two adjoining sinks with separate cupboards and mirrors seemed to indicate this, together with the door opposite his, despite the single toilet in his corner and single shower cubicle in the other corner. Somewhat hesitantly, Kirk approached the sink closer to his door, and opened the cupboard.

It contained a Starfleet-issued toothbrush and Starfleet-issued mug and, on the bottom, a Starfleet-issued towel. Kirk glanced at the other door, and deciding it wasn't opening anytime soon, he quickly checked the other cupboard in the hopes of discerning who he was sharing this bathroom with. No such luck, though. It contained precisely the same as did his own.

But as he was a man of action, Kirk didn't linger on this. He grabbed the towel and promptly proceeded to strip himself of his uniform. The pants and gold shirt a crumpled heap on the floor, Kirk padded over to the laundry chute in the wall and chucked down his black undershirt, black socks and then his pink boxers (yes, Kirk was very confident in his manliness, thankyouverymuch) before he stepped into the cubicle, threw the towel over its edge and ordered a long, hot shower.

It wasn't long until Kirk heard the door open. He stopped modeling his short, blond hair into a mohawk with shampoo, and peered over the edge to see who it was.

"Spock," he said, surprise tinting his voice, "I uh… I won't be long?"

Commander Spock looked back at him from the doorway, expression unreadable as ever, with a small bag in his hand. In retrospect, it was fairly obvious that if the Captain were to share a room with anyone, it would be with the second in command, Kirk thought.

"I apologize for intruding, Captain," the half-Vulcan said tonelessly, "I was not aware you were occupying the bathroom as you had not locked the doors. I will, however, return at another time."

"No, no!" Kirk protested, waving one hand about and fervently massaging the shampoo out of his hair with the other. "No, don't mind me! We're sharing this room, right? It's _logical_ we occupy it at the same time sometimes, isn't it?"

He gave Spock a toothy grin, to which he responded with a contemplating glare.

"Very well", Spock replied and stepped into the room, heading for the sink. As Kirk pulled down the towel and wrapped it around his hips before stepping out of the cubicle, Spock procured a tube of toothpaste from his little bag, and applied it to the Starfleet-issued toothbrush.

Kirk found himself freezing on the spot, watching Spock shamelessly as he started brushing his teeth. Of course Vulcans brushed their teeth, it stood to reason, but it was just something that Kirk hadn't thought about. And seeing his calm, somewhat ironic and uptight First Officer doing such a mundane thing was unexpectedly… endearing.

After thoroughly cleansing his mouth, Spock spat out the toothpasty foam and took a sip of water from the mug. Then he rinsed his brush and put it in the mug before placing it back on the shelf.

"Is there something troubling you, Captain?" Spock asked, meeting Kirk's astonished blue eyes in the mirror.

"I- what? No!" Kirk said hurriedly, taking a big stride forward, trying to look as if he'd not just spent five minutes ogling his First Officer. He had not, unfortunately, dried completely yet, and thus, when his foot made contact with the floor, slipperiness happened.

Kirk fell with a decidedly manly yelp, and he did this just as Spock turned around. The result was that the man collided with the half-Vulcan with considerable force. The half-Vulcan was clearly not prepared for the attack of wet, somewhat shampoo-covered and barely towel-clad human, and so they were both sent sprawling on the tiled floor, limbs entangled and dignity quickly abandoning ship.

As Kirk lay with his face pressed into Spock's chest, soaking his First Officer's blue uniform shirt and desperately trying to disentangle them, all he could think was: _Oh thank god, there's no-one here with a camera. We'd never live it down! I can see the headlines: Sex-starved Starship Captain molests First Officer…_

Finally, Spock seized Kirk's upper arms in a tight grip and firmly removed the captain from his person. Kirk flailingly got to his feet, and barely managed to keep his towel around his waist in the process, although he was able to match Spock's appearance of dignity and calm as the half-Vulcan gracefully rose to his feet as well.

"Do you mind if I borrow some of your toothpaste, Commander?" Kirk asked cheerfully.

"Certainly, Captain", was the dry reply, "although I do not wish you to return what you take."


	3. Chapter 3: The Third Time

Ah, more clichés ahead, I hope you like it :D

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><p><strong><span>The <span>Third Time It Wasn't What It Looked Like: In which There Is A Very Dramatic Scene**

"I'll be following you all down to the planet."

Spock locked eyes with the smiling Captain. The half-Vulcan was standing on the transporter pad with his team of scientists, ready to beam down and get on with their latest mission.

"Captain, this is a scientific mission", Spock said, not allowing the internal sigh to colour his voice. "I will be leading it, as I am the Science Officer. There is no need for your presence and-"

"It's against regulations", Kirk filled in as he took place on a pad with a few quick steps. "Yeah, I know, Mister Spock. But we're not sticklers for regulations, remember?"

Spock had come to recognize the signs of stress, which the Captain contradictory to most started displaying when he was bored. When he received a wink which most humans would have regarded as flirtatious, he clasped his hands behind his back and replied:

"Very well, Captain"

The mission was to catalogue plant life, and as soon as they materialized, Spock whipped out his tricorder. The plants had a curious, red tint as opposed to the usual green on Earth, and the scientific part of Spock's mind was tickled as he started to run his tricorder over the foliage beside the brown river that coursed it way through the landscape.

So tickled, in fact, that he did not notice the absence of the Captain until his pointed ears picked up the sound of a familiar yelp.

The Captain must have slipped.

Spock looked up just in time to see the splash Kirk made as he fell into the river. Ignoring the calls of his team, he dropped his tricorder and made a beeline for the stream a few meters downriver from where the Captain had fallen.

If he had judged the strength of the current correctly, this would be the most sufficient place to locate the Captain, he decided, and so he dived in without a second thought.

The team of blueshirts was still screaming and babbling into communicators as Spock broke the surface even further down the stream, his Captain in a firm grip. His Vulcan strength allowed him to tow the unconscious man to dry land, although he did need the help of Ensign James to heave the soaked Kirk further up the riverbank.

"He's not breathing, sir", the Ensign said with a shaking voice, and Spock pushed her away and attempted to assist the Captain's respiration by putting his mouth to Kirk's and blowing into it several times.

Spock _did not_ feel a deep, gnawing worry and_ did not_ repeatedly think: _He cannot die. I cannot bear another loss like this. Not again._

And so it was to Spock's un-admitted relief that Kirk suddenly came alive with a series of violent coughs that made his body convulse.

Spock allowed his hands to remain on Kirk's shoulders, should the Captain need further aid. When Kirk's blue eyes finally blinked open, lashes darkened and clumped together by the moisture, it was simultaneous with a small grin.

"Spock", he said weakly with a hoarse voice, but Spock did not allow him to continue.

"Captain", he said sternly, "I must ask you to refrain from putting yourself in unnecessary danger. You are to stay on the bridge at all times, participating in missions only when it is merited. And I suggest you try to improve your balance."

"You're such a bully, Spock", was Kirk's reply, a deep fondness shining through the seemingly annoyed tone.

Ensign James tried not to blush at the somehow too intimate scene as she turned away, attempting to look as if she hadn't seen anything.


	4. Chapter 4: The Fourth Time

I'm much better at writing from Kirk's POV, I think, because his chapters are the ones I like better. Shameless Kirk-fangirl, me, I'm afraid :)

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><p><strong><span>The <span>Fourth Time It Wasn't What It Looked Like: In which They Might Not Ever Live It Down**

Kirk was nervous. Not because he was afraid of failing, not because he had something to perform admirably: He was nervous because he was bored. He didn't know how much longer he could take sitting on his ass and listening to diplomatic talk. Kirk had done his bit, and he couldn't stand being useless for a moment longer.

Kirk looked around the round table, and caught Spock's eye. The Vulcan was completely still and calm as ever, but in his dark eyes and slightly raised eyebrow, Kirk detected something that very clearly said: You illogical humans, why does it take you this long to reach an agreement?

To hide his smile, Kirk had to self-consciously rub his nose in an attempt to look thoughtful.

His movement did not attract any attention, and it was to his immense relief that the Starfleet Diplomat (or the Professional Prat, as Kirk referred to him internally) finally called a stop to the negotiations for the day.

Kirk tried not to be too quick when he rose and greeted the storm of journalists that came flooding through the doors.

Even though there were an impressive number of important people – Starfleet and other – present, most of the journalists seemed interested in only Kirk and his thoughts on the matter and where he thought this was leading and why this was happening, and oh, isn't that your First Officer, the incredible Mister Spock?

"Excuse me, yes, thank you, but me and my First Officer-" As Kirk glanced at Spock, he just knew the half-Vulcan wanted to correct him: "My First Officer and me" but had the tact not to voice it out loud – "We must be on our way, we have to get back to our ship. We're quite busy, thank you."

Kirk flashed the crowd a dazzling grin before he disappeared out the door with Spock at his heels.

"Captain," said Spock when they were safely out of earshot. "I trust you are aware our beam up is scheduled to happen in two point-"

"Yeah, yeah," Kirk interrupted and waved a hand. "I just couldn't stand it all. And I'm sure you didn't like it either."

After receiving a sympathetic glance, Spock inclined his head.

"Your concern is noted, Captain, but I assure you that my mental shields are adequate-."

Kirk grinned and clapped Spock on the shoulder, a gesture which never failed to make Spock raise that infamous eyebrow.

"You're welcome, Spock," he started, but cut himself off as he picked up the sound of approaching footfalls. "Oh shit."

Kirk looked around and made a split second decision (one of those he was famous for) and threw open a small door they happened to stand beside.

He opened the door and pushed Spock (who only abided out of sheer surprise, Kirk guessed) and followed him inside, and closed the door quickly. It was only then that Kirk realized it wasn't a room but more of a cleaning closet.

"Well, this is intimate," Kirk tried to joke as he was pressed up between Spock and something that might have been a vacuum cleaner.

"I disagree, Captain" said Spock, his words punctuated by a breath of hot air that tickled Kirk's ear. "We are in extreme proximity to each other, but no intimacies are intended and therefore this situation is not intimate."

Kirk was _this_ close to saying: "Well, maybe not on YOUR part", but he thankfully held his tongue and then he incredulously wondered where _that _particular idea had come from.

Maybe it was the proximity. Or Spock's inhuman heat that radiated from him like a physical manifestation of his personal space. Or maybe the beat of Spock's heart that thrummed against Kirk's stomach. _Or_, Kirk noted, it was the fact that Spock hadn't complained over the fact that they were cramped up together in a closet.

And then because, to Kirk, Spock's words held a challenge.

_I dare you to do better_, Pike's words rang through Kirk's mind and he smiled. Spock looked down his arched nose at him, raising an eyebrow again, and Kirk became all the more aware of the intimacy- no, wait, proximity.

He promptly tried to squirm away, and tripped over the vacuum cleaner in the process. Spock automatically reached for him, to help him keep himself upright.

_I really do have to improve my balance,_ Kirk though before his movement triggered the motion sensors of the door, which slid open.

It opened to reveal the sight of Captain Kirk bent over backwards on a vacuum cleaner, his gold tunic gripped tight by his First Officer and his right leg lifted to the level of his previously mentioned First Officer's hip.

The cameraman and the journalist who happened to be walking by thought Christmas had come early, judging by their facial expressions.

As Kirk was blinded by the flash of the camera, he thought to himself: _But this isn't what it looks like… Oh goddamn it all to Delta Vega._

Spock let go of the Captain as soon as he'd pulled him upright.

"I believe these correspondents do not comprehend the proper circumstances behind this situation," Spock murmured calmly to Kirk, who couldn't choke the chuckle in time for it to escape his lips.


	5. Chapter 5: The Fifth Time

No, OK; I love this chapter even though it's from Spock's POV. Gotta love inebriation, am I right? :P

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><p><strong><span>The <span>Fifth Time It Wasn't What It Looked Like: In which Both Spock and Kirk Partake In A Pagan Ritual With Unforeseen Consequences**

After repeatedly reporting that things had indeed not been as they looked like and look, there's nothing going on between us (no, it was NOT in Spock's habit to fraternize- that kiss with Uhura after the destruction of Vulcan had been one of comfort: The communications officer had admitted that she only tried to console him at the time, and no-one should really be held accountable for such actions after a trauma of such magnitude), the media storm finally subdued.

And before the crew knew it, Christmas was just around the corner.

"Oh and you'd tell us that Christmas is "illogical" wouldn't you, Spock?" McCoy said, rolling his eyes when Spock approached him and Kirk in the middle of their discussion.

"On the contrary, Doctor," Spock responded coolly. "While this annual pagan ritual of yours can be a source of mystery to me, I fully recognize the need for certain traditions, if not only for their boosting of crew morale."

Kirk laughed at both Spock's reply and the face Bones made.

"Remember, guys, Christmas is a time of peace," he grinned as his best friend started to form a sharp answer. The doctor shook his head instead and walked towards the turbolift, muttering loudly as he went.

"So, does this mean you'll join us at the Christmas party?" Kirk asked, turning to the half-Vulcan.

Spock considered how to tactfully decline, when he met the wide-eyed blue gaze of his Captain. His prominent, thick eyebrows were raised in anticipation, and a half-smile was already formed on those full, pink lips.

Spock found himself unable to refuse the Captain's unexpressed wish and so he inclined his head curtly.

"Great!" Kirk said and his half-smile stretched out into a wide, blinding grin.

Spock was quite content with sitting at one of the tables in the recreation room, simply observing. The room was filled to the brim with the crew of the _Enterprise_ and they danced to the uplifting music that blasted through the sound system.

The half-Vulcan was not surprised when he suddenly was flanked by the Captain and the Chief Medical Officer, both of whom were carrying small mugs of alcoholic beverage.

"Here, Spock!" Kirk said jovially and slammed down the mug in front of his Commander. "Try some of this eggnog, it's amazing!"

"As I have informed you previously, Captain, Vulcans are immune to the effects of alcohol," said Spock, noting that Kirk's cheeks and nose were already reddened by said effects.

"Aww, you don't have to call me _Captain_ when it's Christmas, Spock! Kirk drawled, making the "Spock" into a long, soft noise.

"Don't even try, Jim," McCoy muttered and took a swig of his own mug. "You _like_ bein' called Captain!"

"True," Jim said with a laugh and nudged Spock's arm. "But hey, if you're immune to alcohol, then you can just enjoy the taste of it. C'mon, take a sip! You already decided to join this ritual, you might as well do all the steps."

Spock obliged his Captain and lifted the cup to his lips. He did not enjoy the taste of it.

So when the Captain prompted him to come take something to eat, Spock acquiesced in the hopes of not having to repeat his experience with the eggnog.

Spock considered his meal alternatives. He came to the conclusion that he was not, in fact, even hungry, and so he turned away from the replicators. In doing so, he bumped into Jim, who apparently had been following him closely.

"Whoops," Jim said with one of his easy smiles, raising his hands in a placating gesture. It never failed to amaze Spock how effortlessly the man broke into smiles and laughter.

He was about to reassure Jim that it was no matter, when he realized that the Captain's blue gaze was fixated somewhere above them. Spock tilted his neck and noted that someone had hanged some kind of green plant carrying small white berries, in a red string just beside the replicators.

"You know what that is?" Jim asked, voice lowered.

"I believe it is an obligate hemi-parasitic plant in a family in the order Santalales, Spock replied, squinting at the green leaves and white berries. "Phoradendron flavescens, I believe."

"It's also called mistletoe," Jim said, as if letting Spock in on a secret. "D'you know why it's up there?"

Before Spock had the chance to reply, someone who sounded suspiciously like an inebriated Sulu, shouted.

"Hey, look! The Cap'n and Spock are underneath the _mistletoe_!"

It took but a moment for the gathered crowd to pick up an eager chant:

"Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!"

"It is a tradition," Spock said with dignity, "that when two persons find themselves beneath a mistletoe, the engage in the social interaction known as a kiss."

Kirk laughed again, blue eyes twinkling despite the fogs of alcohol.

"We don't have to do it," he assured Spock, "but then again, we might get lynched by this mob if we don't…"

"I have no objections," Spock said and was rewarded by a widening of those blue eyes.

"No?"

"I have agreed to partake in this ritual, and so I am bound to follow the "steps", as you so eloquently put it, Captain."

"All right then," Kirk said, and flashed another grin at the audience before turning back to Spock and tentatively put his hands on Spock's shoulders. "This will do absolute wonders for the crew morale, don't you think?"

"Indeed," Spock answered.

As all scientists, Spock was curious by nature. He had wondered how the Captain would handle the situation, and now he wondered what the kiss would be like.

Would the Captain be content with a quick peck, a mere touching of lips, or would he, as Spock had understood intoxicated people often did, engage in a rather more slobbery affair? He braced himself in the event that the Captain was not capable of correctly judging the distance between their faces.

It turned out the kiss was like nothing Spock had expected.

Instead Jim's cool hands gently guided Spock's head so that they did not collide together, and then he slowly put his lips to Spock's while he with the softest of touches caressed Spock's cheeks with this thumbs.

Spock blinked at the unexpected tenderness, but before he could respond, Kirk had pulled away, and bowed at the crowd, that now cheered and shouted loudly at them, even applauding.

Everyone laughed as the two commanding officers were forced to kiss and videos of the event would be broadcast all over the ship for days to come, but it wouldn't spread further than that. Because all it was, was a drunken crowd making their equally drunk Captain kiss a Vulcan.

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><p>Would you look at that, they kissed before the final chapter! Surprise you enough to give me a review? If not, then review because of the incredible clichéness of it?<p> 


	6. Chapter 6: And That One Time

Here we are, the last chapter! I hope you like it :D

**The One Time It Was Precisely What It Looked Like**

Kirk cursed in all languages he knew and in some that he didn't know, but this situation demanded all colorful metaphors he could think of.

Spock had had the _nerve_ to demand that Kirk stayed on the bridge at all times – now who was it who had gotten himself kidnapped by a bunch of savages and about to be sacrificed because he had pointy ears!

Why, oh why did this sound like a bad action movie from the middle of the twentieth century, Kirk thought bitterly as he ran through the vegetation, phaser in hand and breath in his throat.

As the sound of chanting reached his ears, he slowed down and attempted to catch said breath before he carefully parted a couple of bushes to get a view of the happenings.

What he saw made his stomach twist. In the middle of a clearing, surrounded by the chanting savages (Kirk refused to think of them as a people at this moment) was a wooden podium with an upright pole. Bound to the pole was, of course, Spock. He stood rigidly, back straight and head raised, and Kirk took this as a good sign.

Kirk didn't know if he was to be burned or slaughtered or what, but he didn't particularly care to find out. He considered his options.

There was no way he could take them all down with his phaser, and if he called for back-up, well, it would take some time and the risk of the barbarians killing Spock as soon as they felt threatened was bigger than Kirk felt comfortable with.

But, speaking of action movies from the twentieth century, the trees surrounding the clearing were rather tall, and that one seemed to have decidedly liana-like appendages…

"Scotty, I need you to lock onto my signal, and then when I tell you to, beam up both Spock and me," Kirk whispered into his communicator as he stood on a branch that was dizzyingly high up and gently tugged at a liana, hoping it would hold his weight.

"Sure thing, Captain," was Scott's confirmation.

Kirk exhaled, took a firm grip of the liana with one hand and both legs, hoped to god that he had judged the distance correctly and jumped.

He had to repress the urge to bellow as he soared through the air, over the heads of the crowd, which didn't actually notice him before he slammed into the top of the pole with a coarse grunt.

Kirk ignored the pain and allowed himself to gently slide downwards and position himself so that he hugged the pole, but had his thighs on Spock's shoulders and gripped his chest firmly with his calves and feet.

The chanting had stopped, and he hoped they would be surprised enough not to kill them just yet.

"Now, Scotty!" he roared and he felt the tingle of dematerialization almost instantly.

As they rematerialized on the transporter pad, they immediately toppled over. Kirk's back slammed into the pad, but Spock's fall was cushioned by the hands tied behind his back and his head was safely lodged between Kirk's legs.

The irony of that particular fact was lost on Kirk as he hurried to lift Spock into a sitting position and loose his bonds. Then he took Spock's face in his hands to make sure he was OK.

"Thank you, Captain," said Spock, calm as ever. "Your rescue was… unexpected."

Kirk chuckled softly as he let his eyes wander down the pale, sharp planes of Spock's face, to his uninjured throat and unsullied blue uniform shirt before they snapped back up to meet Spock's dark brown eyes.

"I assure you, I am fine, Captain," Spock said as an answer to the unspoken question and attempted to get to his feet.

Relief flooded through Kirk's whole body, relief, joy and something close to that but completely different and burning.

"Don't ever do that to me again, Spock."

Instead of letting Spock go, Kirk grabbed his shoulders with both hands and kissed him again.

It wasn't nearly as tender as the kiss under the mistletoe, it was a forceful crush of lips, teeth and tongue, Spock meeting Kirk's fervent kisses with his own. Finally, Kirk inhaled deeply through his nose, and forced himself to slow down.

Then two inhumanly warm hands came up to rest on his elbows, and Kirk couldn't help but grin, lips still touching Spock's.

"A shame we didnae bring a camera, eh Doc?" Scotty grinned where he stood at the console, eyeing the spectacle at the transporter pad.

Chief Medical Officer McCoy only made a retching noise in return.


End file.
